LIFE’S HARD

LIFE’S HARD

God, I am feeling real frustrated right now. It feels like there’s a bleak time ahead of me. The future’s a blur… it’s a frustrating sensation when you find yourself in a situation you had dreaded quite a few times in the past, but you never cared to ponder over it for long. And now… it’s really getting unbearable and I am not being able to shrug it off as I used to before.

I am studying English Honors in Asutosh College, and I’d be lying if I said I am not enjoying my studies. I love what I’m studying (maybe not everything about it, but certainly loving to hate some parts of it as well… it’s all part of the package). When I passed my ISC, half of my well-wishers wanted me to do B.Com and later on, go for Chartered Accountancy or an MBA. But I wasn’t keen to pursue commerce anymore, even though my father wanted me to. He Wished I’d go for an MBA and someday, become the head of an MNC, I expect. It was a big dream, indeed and I kind of thought it was my own big dream too. But I guess I was wrong.

I have rested a secret (not secret anymore, as everybody knows about it now), an ardent desire to become a lawyer ever since I saw “A Few Good Men”. I know it’s stupid, it’s really stupid. But I guess I am stupid to start dreaming of becoming a lawyer after I saw a goddamn movie. It’s strange how life keeps changing like a really crappy drama… at the hands of a very untalented (or over talented?) director… or maybe it’s a director with a really bad taste of life.

Why do our dreams, desires and life itself… keep changing so drastically? Anyways, I could, of course, have gotten admission in a Calcutta University affiliated law college in Kolkata. But when I took the advice of a few lawyers, most of them advised me to get into NUJS (Kolkata) or some other premier law institution in the country. They gave me a picture of what happens to students after they pass out of the CU law colleges. They told me of the rat races, and positively convinced me (and my mom) to try somewhere else. I don’t know if I did the right thing at this point. Everything is a rat race nowadays, isn’t it? It’s only a matter of time before I’ve to race one.

Anyways, I took the advice and started my college hunt. I got a rude call of fate (no, I don’t believe in fate!) after I missed the Presidency and JU admission tests. And Xavier’s didn’t have a test this year, so… I don’t know if I could’ve made it in any of those institutions had I given the test, but I hate to give up before I give it my best shot. And had I given the tests, and failed then, maybe I would’ve been less bitter now!

But I’m not bitter, I’m not bitter about anything in life. At least I think I’m not bitter! I really think I’m much better at getting over unpleasant incidents than most people around me. But I hate this, these phases of depression that takes over me when the ghost of the past comes to haunt me out of the blue.

I’m preparing to give the law entrance exams next year, and that’s where my problems and dilemmas begin. What if I don’t nail it? That’s the probable outcome (the raging pessimist that I am, and also coz my preparations aren’t that good, compared to others). What will I do then? Of course, I would carry on my English Honors course. You know, I had half a mind to skip college this year and go for an independent course of movie making (direction) from some institute. My mom wasn’t exactly opposed to the idea (one of the reasons why my mom’s great), although I later ditched the idea for god-knows-what reasons. Maybe I was afraid then that I if I didn’t make it in law next year and was forced to do graduation, I would be lagging behind my pals by a year for absolutely no reason at all. Now when I look back at it, I really think I should’ve done the course in direction. Skipping a year isn’t so bad, after all, as I see many of my pals are, either literally or virtually, doing it!

But what’s gone is gone… no point pondering upon it, is there? Now, as I said, if I don’t nail my law exams, I have to continue my English Honors course, and I really doubt if I’ll enjoy it then. Firstly, I’m not studying in a college of my choice (Although I like the faculty, have made some good friends and all). And secondly, all this time, I’ve been studying with a highly laid-back attitude, and therefore quite enjoying it since at the back of my mind, someone kept telling me that I don’t have to sit for exams if I nail my law one. And therefore, I haven’t been studying for the sake of it… it was just a pastime for me. And circumstances will change if I don’t do well in my law exam. Then, would I enjoy my studies as much?

Now, if I drag my mind towards the brighter side of things, I’m in for a fix again! If I make it to NUJS, Kolkata… it’s well and good! But it might happen that I won’t make it here, and I’ll make it somewhere else, outside Kolkata. But I don’t wanna leave Kolkata. The reasons being my mom will have to live all alone here, then! She will agree to that, but I don’t wanna leave her alone. Besides, Kolkata is my city! I love it… this is the place where all my friends are… well, many have left Kolkata for studies and stuff, but still, there are many yet who makes life in this city so much more special for me. And I don’t wanna leave that. Not just yet. I know I’m not ready for such a big change.

I really dunno what’ll happen… but a good thing about musing is, I’m aware of all the possibilities now. Life’s hard… and I thought it was getting better…

Signing off,
Jagannath (Jesse)