I can’t write poetry… yes, I can do a hell of a lot of things but can’t write poetry. I don’t know why this is. Maybe because I’m emotionally insufficient to churn out beautiful poems… or (as a friend tells me everyday) I am simply dumb!! But what can I say? Being a wretched 19-year-old and not writing poetry would be like a 10-year-old not listening to HR and not enjoying his music (because HR’s music will fail to please any decent mind after it turns 11). Writing poetry is THAT normal. And I get heavy insecurity complexes (that last hours on end, sometimes days, nights, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries… wait, I forgot, I’m just 19, aren’t I?) when I see all my friends (quite a few of them) writing poetry as if that was the thing they were born to do. And what am I good at??? Giving advices (an excited little voice shouts out inside my head)--- no, I don’t think so… what’s the use of giving advices if I can’t take them myself? Maybe I should stop giving advices from now on. So what next? (The little voice jumps up excitedly again) Writing stuff… yeah, I have that virtue… except that whoever reads my work think it sucks, except for a couple of friends (because they are my friends, I guess). Anything else? (This time, I asked the little voice inside my head… he remained quiet for so long, I thought he was not going to reply… then slowly, very slowly, he said uncertainly, "Making up stupid jokes?") Yup, one could say that… if you overlook the fact that no one laughs at them. So, now I’ve given you the reason why I absolutely NEED to write poetry. But since I can’t… I have a plan. A wise person told me several years ago that "poetry is nothing but a vivid description of emotions on paper"… although, technically, I’m writing this piece of crap on my computer… no paper involved here! Anyway, that’s what I embarked upon doing… and when you find the poems (they aren’t poems, they are emotions on paper… in this case, emotion on screen) too stupid to give your famous comments upon, you know the reason!!! I rest my case!!!!
CROSSROADS
I meet people at the crossroads of life…
Some of them too busy to stop and spare me a glance…
Some nice and ready to be friends…
I walk the rest of the road with them…
The road’s not smooth, straight or dry…
It’s full of potholes, and there’s a likely chance I’m gonna fall…
After all, the street’s crowded, the traffic is choking,
But I’ve left my worries behind at the last crossroad…
Simply because I trust the people with me on this long and eventful journey…
The journey that some choose to avoid, by embracing a heinous evil called suicide,
The journey that some choose to bypass, by means that are despicable,
The journey that I choose to enjoy… every moment and every second of it!
Probably because I’ve got the people I love… with me!
It was all going well and nice, amidst the speeding cars and the reckless idiots who’re known as drivers,
They’re always there… ready to make our journey a living hell…
Whenever we’re ready to pay them the slightest bit of attention!
I can see another crossroad approaching,
It’s still in the distance… but impending upon us rapidly…
It’s funny… the last crossroad gave me these nice people…
So why on earth am I afraid of the next?
Am I afraid of the crossroad, or simply afraid of the unknown…?
I don’t know… maybe they’re both one and the same.
I ask the people around me…
"The crossroad’s not gonna change our journey, is it?"
They assure me it’s not… and I sigh in relief.
The relief turns into despair soon enough…
When I find myself standing alone at the crossroad…
The traffic as strong as ever… the drivers as reckless as a pack of hyenas who smell blood…
I find myself being ambushed… trapped like a stupid animal in a monkey trap…
Until… I see a couple of old faces… and a couple of new… coming to my rescue.
I can swear they weren’t there a moment ago…
But they’re here now… and I’m glad!
We started the journey where we had left off…
With a few familiar faces, and several unfamiliar ones…
But I doubt if I will be able to classify them any longer…
When we reach the next crossroad!
CONFESSIONS
I have a confession to make… I don’t have a heart!
I do have something inside my ribs that pumps blood to all parts of my body…
But I don’t have a heart…
I was, of course, oblivious to this knowledge until the day my dad passed away…
I was 15… and everyone thought I would break down…
I daresay… even I thought so,
But all I ended up doing was trying… with all my might…
To wrestle a solitary teardrop out of my eyes!
Believe me, I tried… I tried my best… to shed some tears
To shed a drop of tear for the man who was leaving me forever…
For the man who loved me more than anyone else in this whole world…
For the man I thought I loved more than any other man in this hell…
For the man who was the best friend I had…
For the man who was… everything to me!
Later, my mom praised me for being so calm and patient during the whole ordeal…
She was praising me in front of other people… while I sat there listening,
Was I worthy of the praise?
Was I really hiding the pain in my heart, a fact even I was unaware of?
The ordeal was all but over… to continue forever and ever…
But was I really grieving?
I tried to search, to seek, to hunt for the grief inside…
When I realized… I didn’t have a heart!
Where would the grief come from if it didn’t have a place to start???
It wasn’t my fault… I never had a heart!!!
So… so… Does that mean I never loved my dad?
Does that mean I don’t love my mom?
Does that mean I’m less human than I ever thought I was???
As soon as I realized this,
The reality of the entire situation bowled me over!
And quite suddenly, I was crying…
Crying for not crying over my dead father…
A DECISION
She asked me a question…
A simple question that left me in a pool of my own queries …
She asked me how to die in the most painless way.
She didn’t want death to chase and hunt her like a ravenous beast,
She wanted death to be her lover,
Who would embrace her with a passionate kiss on her lips.
She wanted to die… she wanted to die peacefully…
She wanted to welcome death in her life…
Like we welcome a petty change in our routine…
Like a new hobby or a cute next door neighbor.
I knew the reason why she wanted to give up life so easily,
But still I couldn’t justify her decision.
It wasn’t my decision… but I couldn’t help but ponder…
Is a single incident all that takes that can take away the will to live from someone?
I don’t know about all those philosophies… all those stories
About death being nothing but a simple journey that everyone has to undertake at some point of time…
Truth is, I’m afraid of death…
Because I have no idea what lies ahead.
What remains behind is scary enough.
What remains behind are the wails and suffering of everyone you love… that pains me.
I was about to suggest her sleeping pills,
But the thought of waking up the next day and hearing the news of her death from her parents or some common friend scared the hell out of me.
She called me up sometime in the night…
I didn’t want to pick up the call… I didn’t know what I would do when I heard her pleading voice…
But I picked it up in the end.
"What do you suggest?" her shaking voice was unbearable to me.
What do I suggest?
THE FRIEND
She was the bright ray of sunshine in my life…
She was the cool breeze that made me love life more than ever before…
I don’t know if I loved her…
But she meant something to me…
Something that was divine and scary at the same time.
I really don’t know if I craved her…
But I did want her company… badly at times.
Sometimes I wondered how it would be to have her as my girlfriend…
I thought it would be great…
But did I mean to her as much as she meant to me?
I had no way of knowing, except asking her face to face, which was the last thing I was prepared to do.
I was afraid to lose her… to lose her friendship…
I was depending on her like a new-born child depends on his mother…
And that’s why I was scared…
But my fears ebbed away the day that brought forth a momentous change in my life…
The day she popped the question herself… entirely out of the blue.
My world changed… life was suddenly more beautiful than it ever was…
Everything was different… from the light-starved plants at the back of the garden,
To the bright blue birds soaring high up the sky…
Everything was beautiful… all of a sudden…
But something was different… something was odd… something didn’t seem right…
At first, I couldn’t figure out what it was…
We were no longer as we used to be before she asked me that fateful question…
I wanted to be with her…
But it was as if an invisible wall had cropped up between us…
I wasn’t depending on her like I used to…I don’t know if that is good… but I didn’t like the change…
Then, I had no idea what a big change was coming my way,
To turn my world upside down all of a sudden.She was moving out… out of my city… out of my reach… but she promised me…
She wasn’t walking out of my life…
She wasn’t walking out of my heart…
She wasn’t walking out on me.
I wasn’t sure if I was in a position to promise her the same…
I didn’t know if I still wanted her like the way I used to…
I wasn’t sure who was walking out… her… or me?
My friends convinced me to stick with her…
And in the heat of the moment… I gave her promises I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fulfill…
I miss her… I miss her a lot…
And in the bottom of my heart… I think I love her still… but how can I be sure?
I miss her when I don’t hear her sweet voice,
I miss her when I can’t see her staring at me out of those big, bright, yet… dark eyes…
I miss her smile… that enchanting smile…
She could do magic without a wand… I never figured out how… but she did!
I think I took the right decision…
But sometimes I wonder… did I?
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