Okay, so the results that were supposed to come out today didn’t! Big deal, as if! I know I’m gonna score worse than whatever Sarah Palin would’ve scored had she given the same set of exams as I did! And that’s insulting me beyond whatever insults I can possibly think of when I’m not high! But frankly, if I need to insult anyone here… it has to be the great University of Calcutta… more than a hundred years old and as lazy as a hundred year old name ought to be, it has been relentless in its tradition of crushing students’ hopes especially when their hopes are on a high! And that’s more often than not when we’re talking about a hopeless bunch of losers, which invariably includes yours truly! Seriously, believe this or not, hopeless folks hope the most!
On a brighter track, since my results are due tomorrow, and since I’m more than sure that I won’t be scoring high (I don’t dream of scoring high this time even when I AM on a high), I don’t think this is the time I should be cursing the CU authorities or even write anything remotely loutish about them! So I’m just gonna put forth a couple of well-meant suggestions…
Firstly, I think the authorities should consider changing its initials. I mean, it’s pronounced ‘see you’ (CU) but I wonder why we have to spend such a lifetime waiting to see those goddamn results! And in any case, when a poor student decides to pay ‘see you’ a visit, when he/she is assailed by some complication arising out of the callousness (come on, mistakes happen, right? So what if they don’t learn from them??) of a perpetually sleepy (I mean sleepy during the hour or so they spend at the office, maybe!) employer of the university, he/she has to wait another lifetime to get through to a proper person of authority who might show him the light so that he/she can right the wrong!
Secondly, I think CU ought to have some person of real power on its helm! Like someone like a pro-wrestler (real POWER, I mean!)… so what if most wrestlers have eroded their brains while sweating it out in the gym? Airheads can run universities, right? Whom did you think CU relied on all these years?? And even now??
If an airhead wrestler ain’t your pick, why not get someone like Mamta Banerjee or Rituparno Ghosh or Jyoti Basu to do the honors (not an honors course, idiot!) Ms. Banerjee will lend the university students a much-needed voice (more like a shriek! A Banshee-like, actually! Run for your ears!!) to counter the grubby injustice done to the poor students! (maybe she’ll start a student-bachao committee. Run by students, of the students, against the students) On the other hand, Ms. Ghosh… oops, I mean, Mr. Ghosh will lend the feminine touch to the whole university which the enigmatic Ms. Banerjee will obviously fall short in providing! And maybe he can start a new course in the university, “How Ritu-‘parno’ adds ‘porno’ to his art films and how the entire family watches them!” One thing’s for sure, the JU queer courses will get a tough competition from a newly started “Advanced queer course (How to come out of the closet!)” of CU, run under the watchful supervision of Mr. Ghosh! What a marked improvement!
But maybe the obvious choice, even though the other contenders are equally good, will be the veteran comrade Mr. Basu! I mean, my father was a big fan of the man, so you know I won’t talk crap about him! You know, he’ll blend in with this university like it was one of his comrades! After all, blending will be easy since I’m quite sure their ages are almost the same! And I guess that mentality too… it takes them thirty long years to admit one of their decisions (ideal) was wrong! (Don’t look at me, I don’t know whether it was right or wrong… I’m a simple guy! I still carry a water bottle around my neck!) CU is a step ahead, they’ll never admit they’re wrong!
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, I guess it’s high time we give these student unions all the power to run the college! I mean, they do so now, don’t they? So why not make it official as well? More often than not, the notice boards (I mean, the college walls) are beautifully decorated by wonderful posters extolling Fidel Castro, or Lenin, and sometimes even Stalin (NO, Bush! That doesn’t mean these guys are gonna come after you! You sit still and play with that semi-automated there! Good boy, Georgie!), praising socialism, wishing the downfall of capitalism (and few years from now, when they get high-paying jobs in an American MNC, they change their slogans to ‘God bless America… and the sensex!’) Same thing happens in the non-Communist colleges, where they have a ball crucifying the comrades, and bad-mouthing the government for even the few good things they do, and blah blah blah! Such an exceptionally charged atmosphere and spirit both the factions of the student union infuses in a college campus, it’s hardly a surprise if the CU indeed decides to confer the youth with all the power! And that’ll be the day I’ll stop going to college! NOOO… not because I’d hate to see the system getting smashed like me in a bar-brawl with a mustached Irish… but because then, even 0% attendance won’t stop you from sitting for the exams… not that they do now! After all, what’re good ol’ bribes for?
Man… I love CU! Don’t you love it too? I wonder why I started writing this piece of crap, then?? Well, maybe I just wanted to relieve myself before the pathetic results… and CU is as good as any public toilet you wanna relieve yourself in!
Man, I hate public toilets!
Signing Off,
-Jagannath (Jesse)
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